I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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