I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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