So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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