Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
