You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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