you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
