Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
