Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
