And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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