life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
