I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
