Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
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I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
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You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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