thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
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It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
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There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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