"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
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I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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