I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Randomize
