Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
