I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
40s are totally the cure
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
