I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
