my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
