eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
