If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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