The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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