Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
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Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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