Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
