Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
