what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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