I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
