As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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