He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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