Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
40s are totally the cure
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize