My friends, they love my intelligence
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
