umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
