Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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