You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
