my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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