He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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