He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
