If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
