he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
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We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
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I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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