Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
