if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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