Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
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I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
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Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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