Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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