No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
