I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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