I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
