I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
This is my gift to your gina
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
