I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
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well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
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i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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