hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
