I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.