You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
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The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups