my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.