I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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