my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
